Pregnant?

Watching the View right now. Wow. I am so stressing right now. I mean I want to have kids, but all this work? The doctor on the show says after 35, it is really hard to get pregnant. It is also hard to get pregnant who are on the pill. It can cost upwards to $25,000 to have in vitro fertilization. To adopt, it costs upwards to $10,000 and you have to be financially stable. This is ridiculous! All to have a BABY! Then there are kids having kids all over the world, and they don't know how to raise them, so the kids are raised all fucked up, or worse, the parents kill the kids! WHAT IS UP? All I want is to have a kid, not go through all this shit!

Mike and I have talked about kids. We want them, but we are not financially ready. We are emotionally and mentally ready, though. I may not be physically ready, because he says overweight and underweight women run high risks of miscarriages. I want to get off birth control, but I am afraid to run the risk of getting pregnant and not being ready.

I just wish life was easy.

Soup or stew?

So I decided the leftover turkey in the fridge would make for a good soup. I really wanted a cheese steak though, and I still do. So let me explain why......
......I have this mental blockage thing in my brain that says when I eat out, it always tastes better. ALWAYS. It could be poo on a plate, and it would taste better than homestyle cooking. So when I decided to make the soup (which turned out to be stew, due to its thickness), I thought, hey I will give it a chance. Mike loved it. Me, on the other hand, well......it just didn't have that soup at the diner taste. I often think it is just me, but nothing in my place is sufficing tonight. I want food from somewhere, anywhere but here. So for now, coffee will suffice.

I had all these things to say......

......and I deleted them. I started this blog awhile ago to give myself a voice about being overweight, and being proud of it. I hate that that is my label, but unfortunately, that is how the world sees me. It fucking sucks. I wish I could be looked upon as a human, not someone's punching bag. Thank god the people that I love love me unconditionally. Some of the people I associate with have things to say, of this I am sure. I choose to ignore their ignorance and crap, even though it hurts deep down inside.

So I guess the goal of this blog is to make it an outlet about this whole process. I love me, I just wish I could get over what people have told me or said to me in the past. I think I am great, but I need to work on my self-confidence.

It is amazing how much I have accomplished in my life, and yet I still can't get over this weight issue. I am so lazy about it. I guess I feel like I shouldn't change because other people think I should.

The other day, one of the 5th grades in another class called me a "fat cow". Now, to it in perspective, this is a very troubled little girl who herself is overweight and has a crazy for a mother. I couldn't believe though how much it hurt. Almost as much as a friend saying something to me years ago in front of everyone about my weight. These are things I can't forget, and I need to.....like right now.

So my goal is to let go of the past, focus on the future. Go to the gym (find one I like). I hate my gym, maybe that is why I do not go. Eat healthier, even though I eat pretty well to begin with. Get rid of the condiments, that is my biggest problem. Another goal for me is to get financially fit. Pay off my bills, start saving religiously. I am not going to buy clothes or shoes until I get fit(ter).

Mind you, I don't need to be 150 or 130. I just to need to find a place where I am happy with me, in ALL aspects.